Below are monologue jokes I wrote for "The More You Don't Know," a science and technology themed variety show that I co-wrote/produced at The Crowd Theater in Chicago.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is currently being investigated by Fox and Nat Geo After Sexual Misconduct Allegations. It turns out he gets grabby after a couple of Cosmos.
A new study claims the Amazon rainforest is worth $8.2 billion a year if left standing, but until it offers two-day shipping, who cares?
New research finds there is no “right thing” to say when you want to be supportive, but "Do you still want to fool around?" definitely isn't that thing.
Harvard research shows marijuana use is associated with increased sperm count and higher testosterone, which explains why Willie Nelson is such an unstoppable fuck machine.
Having sex the night before a physical competition does not seem to hurt athletic performance. In related news, the New York Virgins lost their sixteenth straight game last night.
Anthropologists found the world's oldest known cave art in Borneo this month. [CUT TO: Picture of cave drawing of a bull] Researchers also found the second oldest cave art. [CUT TO: Picture of same cave painting, now with a giant penis drawn on it. Smaller "Agriculture sucks!" scribbled off to the side]
E-Cigarettes Are effective at helping smokers quit, especially if they're quitting pussy.
The best way to train surgeons may be to remove the stress of residency programs and make surgery a “hobby.” Which is good, because "hobby" surgery is all I can afford.
Chinese scientists developed what they call a “rat cyborg” that can be controlled wirelessly by a human mind. So keep an eye out for David Lynch's Stewart Little reboot. [CUT TO: Picture of a poster for “E-rat-serhead”]
A study found that couples behaved more constructively and felt calmer when they were engaged in affectionate touch during a conflict. Because it's hard to stay mad about fitted sheets while you're getting a tugger.
Removing fluoride from the water in Juneau, Alaska led to a significant increase in dental cavities. Outraged citizens are now calling for Mayor Wonka's resignation. [CUT TO: Picture of Willy Wonka in front of outraged mob]
A study shows father-son communication about condoms can cut risk of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancies. Unfortunately, further funding was pulled out early.
Pregnant women who get a flu shot protect not only themselves, but also their developing baby. Which is good because it's really hard to get chicken soup up there.
Childhood poverty has a lasting impact on developing brains. But how smart does a toddler need to be when they can ask the Siri they just assembled? [CUT TO: B&W photo of industrial revolution era child laborers behind Apple logo and “Think Different”]
Dutch scientists drove door-to-door collecting poop samples from 1,800 patients to study their microbiomes. At least, I hope they were scientists…
Americans are happier in states where governments spend more on public goods, among them libraries, parks, highways, and a non-stick coating for the sex pit.
Researchers have demonstrated for the first time that raw human excrement can potentially be converted to fuel. The scientists published their findings on the neighbor’s porch. [CUT TO: Picture of flaming poop bag and scientists hiding behind a bush]
New study details today’s high school cliques and identified 12 peer crowds and positions in social hierarchy, including “populars,” “jocks,” “normals” and “goths.” They left out the fastest growing crowd: school shooters.
A new study shows that young men who are overly preoccupied with building muscle have a significantly higher risk of depression, binge drinking, abuse of illegal supplements, and steroids. Scientists are calling this study, "New Jersey."
Archeologists say the biggest birds that ever lived were nocturnal, but they can quit whenever they want. [CUT TO: Photo of Sesame Street's Big Bird doing coke in a nightclub]