Putting the "H.R." Back in Hero

 Hello there, and welcome to the Mount Olympus family! I’m Herodotus, and if you’re watching this video, you’ve been selected by the fates as a capital-h Hero. Why you? Well for starters, you’re a demi-god. Specifically, you’re the result of an extremely problematic sexual relationship between a god *cough* Zeus *cough* disguised as an animal and a human woman. We get it, you’re interesting! By the end of this course, you’ll know everything you need to be the next great greek hero! 

SECTION 1: SORRY, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOUR FAMILY

Now, every hero’s journey needs a beginning. Unfortunately for you, that means you’re going to kill your family. Why, you ask? Well if you don’t have to atone for the blood on your hands, what would you do? Run around doing good deeds for no reason like a lunatic? 

Most likely, you’ll be driven magically insane by your father’s jealous wife, then kill your own wife and children in a blind rage. But don’t we all want to go surrounded by our loved ones? Some people have all the luck!

Once you’ve killed your family, that’s when the real journey can begin. You’ll be exiled, which is great because you’ve been meaning to travel more. Sure, the memory of the murder might haunt you for a while, but someday you’ll look back and laugh at how much you overreacted.

SECTION 2: LABORS: THEY’RE WORK

The main focus of being a hero are labors. What are labors? Labors are just like your old day jobs on the Acropolis, except your duties will be given to you by some incompetent jerk who will make you hate every minute of it. On second thought, they’re exactly like your old day jobs.

The number of labors you’ll be required to complete will vary based on the amount of atoning you need to do. I think eight is good. You’re not showing off, but you still get that good heroic feeling. Most labors will fall into one of two categories: Defeating deadly monsters or retrieving magical objects, but to be fair, the whole “retrieving objects” thing normally has its fair share of deadly monsters too.  So to help you on your journey, here are some of the most common monsters and their weaknesses.

SECTION 3: COMMON MONSTERS AND WEAKNESSES

• First we the deadly, three-headed HYDRA, whose weakness is, of course, Mecha-Godzilla
• The one-eyed CYCLOPS, and his one weakness, astigmatism
• The original Proto-Gods, the TITANS. Their weakness: Racially-divided high school football (Picture of Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans on screen)
• The guard dog of the underworld CERBERUS. His weakness is the three headed mailman, Uespeus!
• And finally the Gorgon MEDUSA. Her weakness is (sadly) self esteem.

By now, you probably think you’re ready to take on the known world. But not so fast, sandal boy. What do you do if your labor wasn't covered on the list?

SECTION 4: Let’s TALK

The important thing to remember is that the trick to completing any labor is TALK. But not using words, when has that ever solved anything? TALK is an acronym, of course! 

• THINK: Step one of TALK is to Think. Is there a way you could outsmart your opponent? If so, great! One fun thing to do is to invite your opponent over for a nice spaghetti dinner at your apartment. Except that’s not your apartment, it’s a volcano! And that’s not spaghetti, it’s knives alfredo!
• ATTACK: A is for Attack! If your opponent can’t be outsmarted, try to overwhelm them with your demigod muscle and warrior’s instinct. Once you’ve subdued your opponent, you should probably kill them, just to be safe. You don’t want them starting rumors that you’re not a nice guy. But what do you do if your adversary can’t be defeated in combat?
• LOOPHOLE: The L stands for loophole. Try to find a loophole in the task at hand. Who’s to say what “man-eating” or “fire-breathing” really mean? Most people will give you credit for the task anyway to avoid the hefty legal costs of taking you to court. 
• KILL: If all else fails, and the task seems hopeless, there’s a simple solution. Kill the person who gave you the task, and anyone who gives you guff. You don’t have to put up with this, you’re the hero here!

If you follow the steps of TALK, you’ll complete your labor every time!

SECTION 5: CREATURE SENSITIVITY

Along your travels you may meet several kinds of half-human creatures. Sure, they may be disgusting, but they have feelings and should be treated with respect so you can get the upper hand later. The following is a brief list of some of the creatures you may encounter, and the various slurs you should avoid.

• Satyrs are half human/half goat, and known for their love of alcohol and constant priapism. Despite the fact it's been longer than four hours, they will never call a doctor.

AVOID: “Lawn-eaters,” “Long-Pupils,” and “Fur-bottoms”

• Minotaurs are half human/half-bull. They’re normally found around labyrinths, and despite being color blind, they are terribly racist.

AVOID: “Brovines,” “Moo-boys,” and “Beefers”

• Centaurs are half-human/half horse. They’re skilled archers and sportsmen, but degenerate gamblers. It’s not uncommon to see a centaur family on the streets after the father lost it all betting on himself at the track.

AVOID: “Saddlebacks,” “Clip-Clops,” and “Sagitts/Sagittarius”

And of course those same slurs apply to Half centaurs, which are a cross between a human and a centaur, making them ¾ human and oh-so sophisticated. 

Remember, if you treat other creatures with respect, they can be manipulated for personal gain later! 

SECTION 6: WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT IN THIS FOR ME? 

You may be wondering, “Hey, for all this work, What do I get out of this?”  Only the greatest prize of all: Immortality! That’s right. If you complete all your labors, the gods will deem you worthy to join them on mount olympus for all time, or at least until monotheism gains traction!

We’ll discuss the perks of Immortality in volume 2 of our training series: Immortality, WHAT A LIFE. For now, your instructor will pause the tape to discuss further.